The one about……Mothering

Here in the UK it’s Mothering Sunday, a day traditionally when servants had time off to travel back to visit home, their mother church and their families. The boom in commercialisation of ‘Mother’s Day’ shines a spotlight on anyone who has a difficult, broken or non-existent relationship with their mother; for those who yearn to mother, grieve for dead mothers, mother alone or fulfill the roles of both mother and father.

Mothering is an elastic term. Some mother their friends, their neighbours or even their own parents as they become older and less independent. I have a friend who has mothered hundreds of teenagers over the years in her professional role in schools despite not having any children of her own. It started me thinking about what are the standout qualities of mothering (and I’m talking not just for women; anyone can mother) and what tiny steps could we all take to move closer towards them?

I could go on about unconditional love, nurture, patience, selflessness, time and although they are important qualities in a parent, no-one is a saint and children have an unhappy knack of pressing all your buttons. In twenty five years of being a mother and considerably more of working with teenagers and their parents there are three things I have observed which make the most difference to healthy and effective mothering. Everything leads back to these.

Being attuned. This means aligning your internal state to that of your child, helping them to make sense of the world, validating their feelings and make them feel heard. As children grow this may become more tricky, requiring superhuman effort to push aside your own emotional baggage so that you can listen to the young adult looming over you. Do this and the connection you forge with your child will reap many rewards.

The importance of boundaries. Of course children will test boundaries – that’s natural – but they need boundaries to make them feel safe. Don’t apologise for ( lovingly) insisting on no phones in bedrooms, for instance. As they become adults, respect the boundaries your children put in place. Keep your mouth shut and the welcome mat out. If you’re lucky, they’ll visit and ask for advice.

Healing your own wounds. Motherhood will shine a spotlight on all the unresolved stuff from your past. Without knowing how, you’ll find your emotions driving the bus. This is scary. Take stock; regulate your emotions. The best gift you can give the next generation is none of the emotional baggage you are carrying.

For advice on parenting I’d pop to the library and borrow Philippa Perry’s The Book You Wish Your Parents Had Read… or The Danish Way of Parenting and The Danish Way of Raising Teens by Iben Dissing Sandahl. I found a lot of wisdom there.

In the meantime take one small step towards better attunement, maintaining boundaries or healing your wounds and do it consistently.

Happy Mothering Sunday!